John Sheehan, FDA’s head of Plant and DairyIt’s been more than six months since John Sheehan last met with Margaret Hamburg, the commissioner of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. She’s called the head of Plant and Dairy in for a rare Labor Day session to review a number of important developments in the government’s campaign against raw milk.

Margaret Hamburg: Last time we talked, John, things were going so well on the raw milk front. You had dairy farmers on the run in Wisconsin. You were revving things up to send a strong message against raw milk in Massachusetts. You headed off that legislation in Wyoming that would have allowed small producers to sell unlicensed food. The federal food safety legislation looked like a done deal. You had helped create one of the Centers for Disease Control 2020 goals to reduce the number of states making raw milk available. Your state-by-state harassment campaign seemed to be bearing fruit. I was so proud of you and your team at Plant and Dairy.

John Sheehan: Yes, we were on a roll.Margaret Hamburg, commissioner of the FDA

Hamburg: Now, all of a sudden, I’m getting calls from some pols who are hearing from movie stars in Hollywood, that you’ve gone after a crackpot with a funny name…

Sheehan: Yes, his name is Aajonus Vonderplanitz.

Hamburg: That is funny. Say that again…

Sheehan: Aajonus Vonderplanitz. I had to practice saying it.

Hamburg: Wonder how he ever came up with that. But anyway, I’m told he supplies people with raw milk and weird fermented foods. And his supporters are sending around a video of various cops, including some FDA people, barging into this Vonderplanitz’s food warehouse in L.A. with their guns drawn, pretending they are Wyatt Earp or something.

I’m also hearing noises that your old boss, David Acheson, wants some kind of compromise over raw milk. He had a lot of respect around here, John.

Actually, it turns out we may not even get a chance to compromise because of this crazy federal suit about interstate transport of raw milk and food rights that’s been filed against me by this farmer lawyer group.

Sheehan: Yes, that’s the Farm-to-Consumer Legal Defense Fund. I’ve finally got their name straight. Hurts me to say it, but guess we better get used to it. A judge in Iowa turned down our motion to get the stupid thing dismissed.

Hamburg: John, I’m most worried right now about this thing in Los Angeles. Any time you have California foodies and movie stars and politicians stirring things up, you run the risk of things getting out of control. Aren’t you afraid of turning this crackpot into a media star?

Sheehan: Well, when you read his background, and believe me, we checked this out carefully before we went in, you’ll see this guy is over the cliff, even for many of the raw milkies. He has his so-called members sign statements that they are fine with having pathogens in their foods. Who in their right mind would drink milk knowing there’s E.coli 0157:H7 or campylobachter in it? And worse yet, give it to their kids. But these people would. And he’s got a few thousand of them around the country agreeing to that stuff. Even more significant, he has forty or so farmers under lease agreements supplying people with food. This is getting big, Madame Commissioner. What keeps me up at night is that he’s a total loose cannon. He even talks about communing with coyotes, and having sex as much as possible.

Hamburg: What’s wrong with having sex…I mean, yeah, he does sound off the wall. But there are crackpots all over the place. Just surf the Internet, and you’ll find dozens and dozens. You’re a lawyer, John, you know you can’t just send the cops in after people because they’re weirdos. All you do is build them up, give them credibility.

Sheehan: I know. But we do have a plan.

Hamburg: I sure hope you have a plan. Right now, it’s not looking like a very good plan. Fill me in, please.

Sheehan: It’s a multi-pronged plan. We figured with the raid of the Vonderplanitz headquarters, Rawesome Foods, on June 30, we’d intimidate the raw milkies, send a no-nonsense message, that we’re serious about this, that we’ll go after their most experienced and committed resister. Maybe find a few pathogens in one food or another that we confiscated–stuff like listeria is all over the place anyway–and use that to scare off his suppliers. Then, our intention was to harass the hell out of the guy by using local regulations–health regs, building code violations, that sort of thing. Once we got that going, we’d then put out all the info about what a crackpot the guy is. He’s said it himself, in interviews, about how he’s craved orgasms since he was three, and wants orgasms all the time.

Hamburg: John, we all want orgasms all the time. Since when is that a crime?

Sheehan: But this guy says he does it, has sex between one and six hours each day.

Hamburg: Really…Now, that’s impressive (her eyes look off into space).

Sheehan: (Clearing his throat) We figured we could use this guy to show how extreme the raw milk movement is. Now, they’re not all that extreme, so we thought we could create some divisions–the more sensible ones would come down on the extremists, and then we’d have them fighting among themselves.

Hamburg: (Still staring off into space)…What was that you were saying, John?

Sheehan: The guy says he takes a daily enema, and once drank his urine for 41 days.

Hamburg: Yuk. Who’d want to have sex every day with someone like that?

Sheehan: We don’t know if he has sex with the same person every day.

Hamburg: John, what the hell are we talking about here? You got a half dozen federal, state, and local agencies, including the FBI, involved going after a guy who says he craves orgasms? Hey, I’m not a guy, but even I know guys say all kinds of crazy things in health club locker rooms, brag about all the sex they’re having, all the weird things they do to torture bugs or make trouble. For all we know, he’s making all this stuff up. And it sure doesn’t sound like he’s going around flashing himself from under a raincoat. I hope you have something more substantial we can go after him on.

Sheehan: We do know he’s bringing raw milk across state lines using all these lease agreements.

Hamburg: Well, there you go John. Prosecute him for selling milk across state lines.

Sheehan: But it’s not so straightforward because it’s not clear he’s selling it. He has these lease agreements with dairy farmers. I’ve had our lawyers look them over, and they tell me the agreements look pretty solid–they give the Vonderplanitz organization ownership control of the land and animals, and the milk and other products. The members own the dairy products, and are then paying someone to ship it for them to places like California. 

Hamburg: Gee, John. Sounds like you’ve got yourself tangled up in your own underwear here. Either you go after the guy for being a weirdo, which is tough to do, when the judges and politicians are mostly doing kinkier stuff than Vonderplanitz, or you go after him for having routine lease agreements with farmers. Well, I’m going to let you figure this one out. I’ve got real work to do. Just make sure this crazy business doesn’t come back to bite us.

Sheehan: Yes, m’am. ?